Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I never knew I was a control freak...

Until recently.

I feel like this is something that you know about yourself early on. Maybe I was just in denial. I like to think of myself as a go-with-the-flow kinda person. But the reality is, while I am "going" with the flow, I am mentally planning the A, B, and C scenarios in case the "flow" is not what I thought it would be. Being in control can be really exhausting. The plate spinner is the mental image that I have. Trying to keep all the plates spinning-work, home, school, church, friends, family. It's tough, and yet letting go is so much scarier to me.

But that is what I have been learning lately. Letting go...

Don't sweat the small stuff

It doesn't really matter if your house is dirty

Sometimes you just need a cheeseburger and fries

It certainly isn't an easy lesson. I like plans and agendas. I like order. Worst of all, I never like anyone to see that I am having trouble spinning all my plates. However, God had other plans this year. Cause, well, He can see what everyone else can't. And so about 4 months ago, at our community group, we did a prayer night. And it changed all of us, I think. I found out that most of the women were just like me. Trying to keep it all together, not asking for help, putting on a brave face. And we developed a mantra for ourselves.

"It's OK to not be OK".

It is hard to live it. It is certainly hard to be vulnerable. But man, it is nice to have people in my life that I don't have to pretend around. If it has been a hard week at work and I am feeling inadequate at life, I can go to Becki's house and have a glass of wine and be honest. Or if Abby is run-down from school and work and just needs a break, she knows she can come over for dinner without an invite. (And of course, my faraway friends are always available via gchat, email, phone, text :) I haven't always had a community like this, but letting go is so much simpler when you do it together.

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple braided cord is not easily broken.

~Ecclesiastes 4:9-12


  1. I am SO with you on this!

    This is my current life practice, and it's soooo hard.

  2. Oh gosh, I am so much the same way. Loosening that vice-grip I have on control is one of the hardest things I do every day.


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