Week 3? I have no idea what day it is...

I think I am just finishing up the third week of bar prep nonsense. The days kind of melt together. Did I watch that Evidence video on Tuesday or Wednesday? Was it both? By the end of the day my brain hurts from trying to stuff in all this information. Add into that a kind of crazy work schedule for Corey this last week and it was tough.  I think that is why I was so encouraged when I read Beth Moore's words a couple days ago.

It says "When we don't know what, when, where, or how, we can trust in who. We won't always find our answers, but we can always find our God when we seek Him with all our hearts. And He will love and comfort us until all other answers come." Sigh. I need to hear that all the time. That even when I don't understand what is going on, I can find comfort in what I DO KNOW. And I KNOW Him. I KNOW that God loved me so much that He sent his Son-Jesus-to die on a cross for my sin and in my place. I KNOW that Jesus rose from the dead, conquering sin and death. And I KNOW that by believing in Him, I have eternal life.

At the end of 1 John, there is are a couple verses that I love about what we KNOW. "We know that we are children of God, and that the whole world is under the control of the evil one. We know also that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know Him who is true. And we are in Him who is true-even in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life." (1 John 5: 19-20).

I may not know all about Evidence yet-or Conflicts-or Civil Procedure-or any of the other topics that I will need to know by July 24-25. But I can take comfort in what I do know-in WHO I know.

PS!--Don't forget to leave a comment here for a chance to win a copy of Trina Holden's book Real {Fast} Food.

I'm starting to think this graduation thing is actually happening...

Today I picked up my cap and gown (and hood and tassel). It is sinking in that in a few short weeks, I will graduate. I am wrapping up all the loose ends of this semester now. I have an oral argument on Thursday and two final classes on Monday. All that is left after that is ONE final exam.

(I don't know why this bird looks so perturbed...but he is right. The tassel is worth the hassle!)
the pic is from pinterest

The last three years have been spent working toward this day and now it is so close...

It feels weird. 

It has been a long journey-and somehow it feels like a small blip on the radar of my life.  

And I want to finish strong. I started following some new people on the old Twitter, and one of them posted a photo that I really like (his handle is @jonacuff and he writes about Stuff Christians like. It's a lot of fun!).  It is a reminder as I go through the next few weeks...the long months of prepping for the bar exam...and the rest of my life.

It also makes me a little happy that other people also have terrible handwriting. If you can't read it, it says, "I dare you to launch the adventure of this week from the truth of knowing that your successes and failures will not determine how much God loves you."  I LOVE this idea--to launch into the adventures of this week--to believe that God's love for me is not determined by whether I succeed at a task or fail miserably. I only have a few more law school adventures, but I can't wait to see all that God has in store.

Why this Friday is so Good...

I am not a theologian. I am far from a bible scholar. But I always thought that it was odd to call the day Jesus died "Good Friday."  Good doesn't seem to capture the amazing, awe-inspiring, gracious, precious, (insert applicable adjectives) that this day is. The day Jesus died on the cross for my sins and in my place; for the sins of the whole world; in the place of every person. But then I think back to Genesis.  When God created the world and everything in it, "He saw all that he had made, and it was very good." (Gen 1:31).  So I guess that it makes sense that the day His Son fulfilled the law and the prophets, we would call it good.

Last night at our group, we talked about James chapter 2. The second half of the chapter deals with faith and deeds. And I think that today, in light of the amazing sacrifice of my Savior, it is worth trying to articulate what has impacted me most. The sections begins, "What good is it, my brothers, if someone says that he has faith but does not have works?" (James 2:14).  I have heard that statement in my head so much this last week "What good is it??"  What good is it to say that Jesus died for my sins on this GOOD Friday if I don't live like it?

As mentioned in a previous post, I am reading A.W. Tozer's The Pursuit of God and he has this amazing chapter called "Removing the Veil". [Brief background: Jesus was arrested; handed over to Pontius Pilate; sentenced to crucifixation; beaten; hung on the cross. When he breathed his last, Matthew captured this moment in chapter 27 "Jesus cried out again in a loud voice and yielded up his spirit. And behold, the curtain of the temple was torn in two, from top to bottom." (Matt 27: 50-51).  This curtain was what separated God from people. Only once a year could the high priest enter to offer sacrifices--and someone once told me that they tied a rope around his waist in case he died in there, they could drag him out without having to go in after him.  It separated the world from the "Holy of Holies."] Jesus death made a way for every person to enter into the presence of God--a real, intimate relationship with the Creator of the world. Tozer posed a question in his chapter "With the veil removed by the rending of Jesus' flesh, with nothing on God's side to prevent us from entering, why do we tarry without?"  His explanation is that we have a veil of SELF (self-righteousness, self-pity, self-confidence, self-sufficiency, self-admiration, self-love...) that keeps us from entering into his presence.

Going back to James--what good is it that Jesus died if I won't enter into the Holy of Holies? What good is it that he gave up everything for my sake if I am not willing to do the same for him?  Tozer continued the chapter talking about how we have to crucify the self-life. It is a veil that must be torn in two just like the one that was torn when Jesus died. "We must confess, forsake, repudiate the self-life, and then reckon it crucified."  He ends the chapter with this...

The cross is rough, and it is deadly, but it is effective. 

It does not keep its victim hanging there forever.

There comes a moment when its work is finished and the suffering victim dies.

After that is resurrection glory and power, and the pain is forgotten for joy that the veil is taken away and we have entered into actual spiritual experience the Presence of the living God.

I don't share any of this because I have it figured out. I share it because I hope it excites someone as much as it excited me. That I get to take part in this day. I can share in this Good Friday--crucifying this self-life that I have hid behind for so long. Enter into the Holy of Holies and experience the Presence of God more and more everyday.  I'll end with a couple verses from Hebrews 10 that I LOVE..."[S]ince we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart with full assurance of faith.." (Hebrews 10:19-22)

It's okay to not be okay

"It's okay to not be okay"  has been the motto of the women I am closest with for the last year or so.  And today while I was running, it was part of my conversation with God. You see I have been learning a lot lately-to the point of being slightly overwhelmed. 

We started a new study in our community group reading the book of James. So I am learning "be a DOER of the Word and not just a HEARER." And I have been doing a bible study with my friend Ellen about Paul. So I've been learning about being SPIRIT LED and SPIRIT FILLED. And at church we have been studying Mark-last week was very introspective-looking at what kind of people we are. Am I a hypocrite-an actor? Or am I LIVING OUT MY FAITH on a daily basis. And then I started reading Crazy Love, and I am wondering if I am "LUKEWARM."

So today while running I had a real honest conversation with God. And I laid it all out there. I've been a believer for the last 14 years. I know all the right phrases; I know all the right passages; I know all the cliches. But I don't have a clue how to DO any of them. What does it mean to "take up my cross daily"? How do I "die to myself"?  How do I know if I am "bearing good fruit" or doing "What Jesus would do" or "quenching the Spirit"? These phrases are ones that I am quick to say. But unless I DO THEM, what good is it? 

I have been reading a blog about Christian cliches by a lady named Addie Zierman. She writes about all the Christian cliches and tries to get to the bottom of their meaning and purpose and give a new perspective on old words that have lost a lot of their vigor. And as I read these posts, I realize that I have been stuck saying empty phrases that do no good because I don't live them out. I am like the man in James who "looks at his face in a mirror, and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like." (James 1:23-24). It seems ridiculous. But that is how James describes a person who looks into the Word and doesn't DO what it says.  

In case you are hoping for some amazing revelation that I had on my run, I will let you know now that I did not have one. But I do think I've figured out that the culmination of all these revelations is a real desire to figure this stuff out. I am tired of being okay with half-hearted explanations and trite responses like "I'll be praying for you." So I have to put my fear of the unknown aside and dig in.  I mentioned a couple posts ago that I have been avidly listening to the new David Crowder Band album, and one of the songs is particularly powerful to me. It is called "Sometimes" and the bridge is amazing. It says:

It's Your love that we adore 

It's like a sea without a shore

Don't be afraid

Just set your sails

and risk the ocean

it's only GRACE

Jumping into the Word--into prayer--into non-wishy-washy faith is scary. But I am convinced that a life with Jesus is life to the full (John 10:10). It's worth the risk.

PS I wrote this partly because I don't want to have this moment of clarity and then do nothing (again). I saw this on fb today and thought it was funny because it is so true (a movie, a book, a sermon etc)

What if I can't find my big girl panties?

It's been one of those weeks. After a great weekend away with no stress and no work, I got slammed. Some things I had planned for, but others--not so much.

• The car registration is almost expired--Where is the tax receipt? Ummm--have to go to the courthouse to get one...
• Pre-school registration is Monday--do we have Joe's immunization records? Nope--have to go to Ruby to get those.
• It's my weekend to do kids at church--did I remember? Nope--luckily I have the best friend in Becki who volunteered to take it after the horrific look on my face yesterday.
• Add to that list of unexpected-the 3 papers I have had to write in the last 4 days and the App Ad paper that is looming somewhere in the near future.

I needed the days to slow down to a snail's pace so that I could get everything done. But alas, time moves at its own speed, and it's Friday. I wish I could say that now that everything is checked off, I am stress free. But that is not the case. I got my butt-kicked by this week.

Amazingly, it has been a really good week for me and the Word. God has been pouring truth and grace into my life everyday, knowing how much I would need it. Cause while I realize that it sounds like I am whining (okay, I am whining), I'm amazed at what God is able to do in the midst of stress and frustration. I've been reading 1 Peter--and I needed this reminder!

Trials are a part of life. Things do not always go smoothly. And somehow we start to think if the going gets tough, it must not be the right direction. But I have not found that to be true. Rather, I have found that when we have to fight and work and not everything is peachy-keen, those are the times we grow the most. And JOY is ahead.

In addition to the wonderful words I have been reading, I have been really blessed by the friends in my life who have come beside me to bear the burden. Corey was on call this week, and with all my evening classes, it can be a problem. I don't like missing class, and he has to be at work. So Monday we did the Great Child Swap. I picked up Libby from school, took her and Joe to the law school where the wonderful Chelsy threw them in her mini-Cooper. She took them back to our house, fed them, and played with them until Abby Quinn Lilly could get there to relieve her. Corey got home eventually. Wednesday, Lauren happily volunteered to watch Libby so I could go to a meeting-Corey ended up getting out of work on time, but it is so nice to know I have people. Today, while I attempt to get work done, Becki is watching Joe (along with her two little girls). Having a community like this one - it's priceless. Especially on days (or weeks) that I can't find my big girl panties.

In the thick of it...and some thoughts on Jacob.

I'm in the midst of finals. One has been turned in after a very long Saturday (12 hours in my dining room chair). I have two left - closed book exam Thursday and a take home due a week from today. And then I am DONE. Until next semester...
On a different note, last week Trey was preaching at church about Jacob. Now we have been in Genesis for the last several months, so Jacob has obviously been a topic before. But two weeks ago was the account of when he wrestled with God. They wrestled all night, and Jacob didn't let go. Instead he said "I will not let go unless you bless me." (Gen 32:26). And the blessing? A new name "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome." (Gen 32:28).
Struggle. Jacob struggled. He refused to quit until he got the blessing. But struggle seems like a four letter word in our society. We have this notion that struggling means that we have failed instead of seeing the struggle as the process of succeeding. We don't want to struggle, we think it should be easy-so we give up. It is a word that reminds us (or maybe just me) of tiring, hard, painful events with no purpose. But that is isn't what the word means. It does involve tiring and hard and painful events, but it is for a purpose. We fight and claw and work and labor to get the blessing-for Jacob it was a new name. Maybe the blessing is different for me or for you. But if we fight and claw and refuse to let go, there is a blessing...

Easy example...If you struggle with growing out your hair (this isn't about me AT ALL), it is a fight to not go to the hairdresser, especially when you feel the mullet coming on. But you fight the urge-you remind yourself that a cute hair cut is in your future. You work through the awkward phases to get to the blessing-an awesome new do. (in my case, I want this one...

Harder example...If you struggle with school, you study and read, you make flash cards, you struggle with the material until you know it. The blessing? a better grade, a better job - maybe. Certainly an understanding of the material, that light bulb moment can be a blessing!

Hardest example...If you struggle with body image (like most women I know including myself), it may seem that the struggle is against food and motivation-the endless cycles of diets or exercise. But really I think the struggle is against the words that we say to ourselves. We have to struggle to love the bodies God has put us in, and fight with the influences and the messages that say otherwise. I know I certainly have to claw my way out of the pit of comparison. And the blessing? Contentment? A deeper faith in the God that made us? I'll let you know when I get there!

this pic says "One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful" -Freud

(Side-note, I don't ever look this cute while struggling with life,

 I usually have on man-sweatpants and stained T-shirts. :)

Whatever it is, STRUGGLE. Don't let go. I want to fight and claw and work until I get the blessing. And maybe at the end, you will see that the struggle really was beautiful because God used it to shape you.

images can be found here.

A little bit of truth

After a really GREAT night last night-celebrating my amazing husband (photos etc to come)-I had a really crappy morning/day. I definitely let circumstances steal my joy. But God is faithful-and when I sat down and spent some time in His Word, He gave me some very sweet words that I am holding close to my heart right now.

"GREAT PEACE have those who love your law,

and nothing can make them stumble." Psalm 119:165 

So now I am going to exhale, enjoy the rest of the day with my family, probably dig into our new Dexter's that came on Netflix and START OVER tomorrow. Hopefully I will remember to rest in His great peace.

Eye on the PRIZE

The semester is more than halfway over. It is the part of the semester that begins to pick up in regard to workload. I am in the midst of researching to write a bill for legislation, reading filings for clinic, and just getting through the regular course load. So of course it is completely reasonable for me to make some additional goals, right? 

A few things have been rolling around in my head to do, and sometimes you just have to START. 

One is scripture memorization.

One of my blogger-pals Amanda shared her scripture memory system (started by Beth Moore) on her blog. I am going to steal it and make it my own. You need a spiral notebook of index cards and a bible :). The concrete goal? Two verses per month for a total of 24 for the year. I do not know where I will start, but I am sure I will post them as I memorize them. 

Another goal is to make exercise a priority again. 

This semester has been an energy drainer. But I am tired of excuses. So I dusted off the elliptical and dragged myself out of bed this morning. It felt great. The concrete goal? elliptical 2x a week, one long run and maybe some yoga in there somewhere. 

FINALLY, over Christmas I will make a quilt. 

I like the nine-patch pattern

This goal requires help from my very crafty Mother in law. But I have had the material for a few years, and I want to MAKE IT! I have enjoyed knitting so much in the last few weeks-creating something functional with my own hands. A quilt is a much bigger time commitment, so it must wait until school is not in the way. 

I like setting goals. I like having things to work toward. Even in the midst of school's chaos and crazy schedules. Even in the middle of it all. 

cityChurch |:| learning self-control

site

Our topic last Thursday was self-control. NOT my favorite topic. Why? cause it is hard. and I'm not great at it. (that sounds whiny, and it is kinda whiny). But I was so blessed and encouraged by our community group. One of the things that has stuck with me since last Thursday was the link between FAITH and SELF-CONTROL.

One of the reasons that we can exhibit self control is because we believe that what GOD has for us is better than what is right in front of us. I always think I will be missing out if I don't indulge now. There won't be cookies left, I better eat 5. It's a really good sale, I better buy 5 (when 1 is plenty). I won't have time to do ______ if I take time to read my bible everyday. I don't like to show restraint...

BUT if I believe that God's way is best....if I can resolve that His life is the life abundant, then I'm not missing out on anything.  I really liked that one guy in our group shared the verse 1 Corinthians 10:23. It says the believers freedom is that "'Everything is permissible'-- but not everything is beneficial. 'Everything is permissible'--but not everything is constructive." There is freedom, but just because you CAN doesn't mean you SHOULD. Man this is hard to learn. Hard to live. But by FAITH we can do hard things. And by learning SELF-CONTROL, I show that I have FAITH. It is very circular--in a good way.

I like to share what I am learning--hoping that someone out there needs to hear these things too. :)

cityChurch |:| encouragment

We had our community group last night--the topic? encouragement. We looked at different stories in the Bible where God encouraged his People-Moses, Elijah, Peter, but the one that stood out to me was Joshua.

In Joshua 1, God tells Joshua that he is to lead the Israelites into the promised land without Moses. Moses was the leader all through the desert-Exodus. But God wanted Joshua to be the leader now. And over and over God reassures Joshua-don't be afraid, I'm here. Joshua 1:9 was one of those verses I clung to in high school. I had it memorized...I wrote it in my locker. But sometime in the last 10 years, I forgot it. But what a powerful thing to be reminded of - everyday. Don't be discouraged. Why? Because God is with you wherever you go. HE is capable, HE is strong, HE is powerful. And HE is with me.

and I want to encourage those around me--like he tells me to. "Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but ENCOURAGING one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:24-25

Even now...

"Even now," declares the Lord,

"return to me with all your heart,

with fasting and weeping and mourning."

Rend your hearts and not your garments.

Return to the Lord your God for he is gracious and compassionate

slow to anger and abounding in love and he relents from sending calamity.

Joel 2:12-13

Even now... when I am stressed out. Even now... when I am tired and feeling less than patient. Even now...when circumstances seem overwhelming. Even now.

The Israelites were getting bombarded with an army of locusts, and God was asking them to return to him-even now. Why? because he is gracious and compassionate. Because he is slow to anger and abounding in love. And he is that for me too. No matter what is on my plate it is not too much for him.

sweet words

"Give me to believe

that thou canst do for me more than I ask or think,

and that, though I backslide, thy love will never let me go,

but will draw me back to thee with everlasting cords..."

Valley of Vision "Backsliding"

Read it this morning and just thought I would share. It's nice to have a God that never lets us go...no matter what. And that I can't even begin to comprehend all that He can do. Sweet words for a lovely day (thank goodness the rain took a break!)

I'm sitting here...

surrounded by several law books, a cup of coffee and my planner. It is official. Summer is over. Fall has begun - despite what the calender says. My consolation is that it is my last year.

I have no idea what this year holds. I have no clue what twists and turns await me.

But I do know what I hope will happen....what I want to happen...

I want to grow in my faith. I want to cook new things. I want to spend more time with my kids. I want to run. I want to read the minor prophets with Abby. I want to relax. I want to watch True Blood with Corey. I want to invest time in my friends. I want to teach Lauren to knit. I want to marvel at God's work. I want to have dance parties. I want to take trips (mainly to Knoxville and Dayton). I want to read books in bed before I go to sleep. I want to pray - better and more often. I want to laugh- A LOT. I want to start hiking. I want to take care of my body. I want to play my guitar. I want to take a few long drives.

And what is great is that God knows all of these things. He knows that desires of my heart. And He will give them to me..."Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4)

So I am going to work on DELIGHT, and trust that all the other things will follow...

Thoughts from today

Of course now that I have a paper due in 2 weeks and very little done on it, I have lots of time to blog! That is the way I work. I can only read and take notes for so long before I am incapable of continuing. Short breaks make it bearable.

ANYWAY.

My friend Abby was wonderful enough to share a verse with me this morning...

Philippians 3:12--"Not that I have already obtained this (righteousness) or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me His own."

What a wonderful thing to know--I am HIS OWN. He has made me HIS OWN. And so I press on. Even when it seems that I am doing nothing right. Even when it seems like circumstances are not what they should be. I press on. Because I am HIS.

I need to know that and live that everyday.